I am ALIVE!

Hello followers! I’m so sorry for the extremely long absence. I’ve been so inconsiderate! I logged into my email account the other day and had a few messages from people wondering if I was okay. So I wanted to let you know that I am.

I won’t be writing on this blog anymore. My Bipolar Disorder is perfectly fine. About a month where I was experiencing a moderate depressive episode. Apart from that, no symptoms. I’m way tooo tired to be manic!

I’m now down to 50mg Quetiapine. I’m still coming off, slowly but surely. This year I plan to get off all the way.

I have had a very difficult few years. My health is not great. Not life threatening at all, but very debilitating. It’s a weird combo of autoimmune disease and the symptoms of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. No firm diagnoses yet. I’m recovering, slowly but surely.

I’ve started a new blog about psychology, and how to live life well even when things are rough. I’m hesitant to post on here as I am not out of the bipolar closet. If you’d like to read, please leave your email in the comments and I’ll send it to you.

How are you? I hope you are well.

With love,

Sara

 

 

Changes afoot: Choose when you want me to post!

As you know, Bipolar hasn’t been much of an issue for me for a while now.  In April last year I had a hypomanic episode but before that and since then things have been pretty stable (assuming the misery associated with massive life events is not a bipolar depression, just a normal reaction). It’s there but it’s very much in the background these days. I am lucky.

After my hiatus from The Bipolar Project I’ve come back with a renewed energy to continue on, improve and expand the blog and its content. With my training in psychology I’m in a unique position to provide reliable information to people who do not have the same training and access as I do; information not only based on my own experiences but also on scientific research. One of the ways I want to use my background is to start a series called “Bipolar Explained” to help people better understand the condition. There’s plenty of information out there, but this will have my own little twist to it.

 But here’s the most important part.

  1. I need a regular posting day! I’ve been agonising over the decision for several weeks and it finally dawned on me that you’re reading it, so I should leave the decision up to you. In the poll below please choose the day you want posts to magically appear online. At this stage I’ll only be posting once per week (woohoo!) but the runner up day will be a day that I’ll post if I feel like it.

I want to know where you would like to see this blog headed. What do you want to read about most? What are you favourite and least favourite parts of the blog as it is? And do you think it would be interesting and enjoyable if I expanded to content to reflect chronic illness more generally, as opposed to solely focusing on Bipolar Disorder? Please let me know in the comments below (or you can email me at thebipolarproject@gmail.com if you want to write a novel about it – I promise I’ll read it). Feel free to make as many votes as you want.

 

Your comments and feedback are always so appreciated. I love to talk to you guys via the blog, so thank you for reading my blog and showing me support. You are awesome!

P.S I’m also in the planning stages of creating a non-anonymous blog about psychology. It would be focused on well-being, health and reaching our full potential. Plus, I’d talk about my own research, that of my colleagues and there would be some more topical posts too.

Breaking the Silence

I’ve been meaning to make an update for a while. To be honest, I’ve had too much to say that it’s all become a jumbled mess, stuck in my mind and unwilling to come forth.

It’s been four months since I last made a post, and on reflection, I see that this year has been something else entirely. Not at all what I would call successful. A failure, a fall, and a struggle to maintain the good that I had before.

I thought that what I had last year was working for me. That I was doing well, and I was. But things are never quite as good as you think they are, and the things that were hidden then are hidden no longer. My hypochondriasis turned out to be a systemic arthritis. All those symptoms make so much sense now.

So where have I been and what have I been doing?

At first I was rapid cycling, and at the same time experiencing bouts of fatigue and fevers and joint pain that remained unexplained until two months ago. At one point I was hypomanic for a month, and then severely depressed for another. And now? I am just existing. Not exactly happy, but not exactly miserable either. I’m better than I was, but I’m pulled down by the illness in my bones and I’m no more than a shadow of the person that I once was. Not because of Bipolar. For once, the illness that has followed me around for a long time seems more like a friend than my enemy. I crave its brilliance and its horror. It was easier. It was familiar. It had rules and ways in and out of it. I knew my way around it, and I knew how to handle it. It was easy. Or at least, easier.

But now I find myself floating in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere I turn I see a horizon, and nothing more. No land, no hope, no nothing. Treading water, that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m trying to swim forward now, despite the fact it hurts like hell. I’m swimming in some direction, but I don’t know what it is. I know where I’m going: normality, and some form of health. I know what I want: to finish my studies, to be a clinical psychologist, to have my masters. I don’t know if I’ll get there, but I keep on going anyway. One arm in front of the other, one leg kicks and then another. Moving onward and forward. So slowly, so painfully, but it’s the attempt that counts, not the result.

I guess what I mean to say, is that I’ve found myself somewhere that I never wanted to be…a place that I never imagined I would be. I don’t like it. It feels hopeless. It’s confusing and it’s frightening. To be perfectly honest, it scares the crap out of me. One more obstacle blocking me from where I want to be.

Someone once told me that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I like the sentiment. The idea that I will only ever get as much as I can take. It makes me think that I can deal with this, at least for a moment. And moments of hope are better than none at all.

Now you know how I am, please fill me in. How are you?