Like most people, I’ve had my fair share of experiences with people who are either temporarily acting like assholes or who are full-time assholes. So I started to wonder, what is it about these people and their behaviour that lends them the term asshole? And if I want to become one, how do I go about it?
After careful observation of various assholes in my immediate environment, I’ve come up with some helpful hints on how to live up to your potential and become the ultimate asshole!
1) Listening? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Why listen to someone when they speak to you when you could be doing something else? More important things you could be doing include: reading pointless news articles on your smart phone, texting, looking at your Facebook timeline, thinking about how great you and your many accomplishments are, or thinking of the next thing you’ll say about yourself.
Options here include ignoring people outright, talking over others or you can go the more cautious route of “pretend-listening”. To do this, make sure you nod and “mmm” at appropriate moments to give the talker the sense that you are indeed listening. If you happen to find yourself mildly interested in anything that doesn’t revolve around you, ensure you think and/or talk about yourself for a full 15 minutes. This is a sure fire way to ensure all memory of the previous conversation will mysteriously disappear like an unwanted wart. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. If the talker mentions that conversation again simply pretend you’ve completely forgotten it ever happened.
2) Dismiss, dismiss, dismiss!
Why care about other people’s opinions, feelings and experiences when you can completely disregard them? If you want to be an asshole, it’s essential that when you do listen to other people you make your own beliefs, feelings and experiences stand above theirs. Try saying things like “that’s only your perception”, “that’s what you believe” and “your thinking is faulty”. Be sure to make up stories about what really happened by distorting events to make them suit yourself (and to make yourself look good!). Remember, your version events is the one and only truth.
3) Arrogance is bliss
You can’t be an asshole without a serious helping of arrogance. Whenever there are ears around to listen, make sure you talk about yourself and your many admirable traits and accomplishments. Remember, everything you’ve done is amazing and the people need to know it! Be it the way you manage to complete normal everyday tasks, such as cleaning and remembering to get all the items on the grocery list to larger events, such as going to work and exercising. If you have to interrupt others, so be it. They have nothing important to say anyway.
4) Apologising is for sissies
Never apologise. You haven’t ever done anything wrong, so why would you? If you want to maximise your level of asshole you might find it useful to apologise occasionally while still utilising the tools of blame. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry I behaved inappropriately” try saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” to move the blame from yourself to your victim. This way, you can be the better person while still being in no way responsible for any hurt caused.
5) Personal responsibility? What’s that?
Why take responsibility for yourself when you don’t have to? Everything bad that happens to you is a matter of events outside yourself that you could in no way control. If you can’t be bothered completing tasks at your job, doing your chores or exercising, think of a convenient excuse as to why you were unable to do it. Blaming others, becoming a martyr, and cultivating a mild ailment that randomly afflicts you are helpful tools to avoid taking responsibility. However, when good things happen, make sure you always take full responsibility for them.
6) Minimise, deny and blame!
If you don’t already have a slogan, this should be it. Minimise other people’s opinions, thoughts, feelings and experiences as being irrelevant or convoluted (see tip 2 above). Deny any accusations that you have done anything wrong or that you have negative character traits. Always blame others for how they feel, how you behave towards them and for anything that could or does go wrong.
7) You’re the expert!
Most successful assholes are like walking encyclopedias! If you have any experience doing anything whatsoever, make sure you exaggerate excessively. Plus, you can base your knowledge on anecdotes you’ve heard from friends and “trusted sources”. If you believe it, it must be true!