Breaking the Silence

I’ve been meaning to make an update for a while. To be honest, I’ve had too much to say that it’s all become a jumbled mess, stuck in my mind and unwilling to come forth.

It’s been four months since I last made a post, and on reflection, I see that this year has been something else entirely. Not at all what I would call successful. A failure, a fall, and a struggle to maintain the good that I had before.

I thought that what I had last year was working for me. That I was doing well, and I was. But things are never quite as good as you think they are, and the things that were hidden then are hidden no longer. My hypochondriasis turned out to be a systemic arthritis. All those symptoms make so much sense now.

So where have I been and what have I been doing?

At first I was rapid cycling, and at the same time experiencing bouts of fatigue and fevers and joint pain that remained unexplained until two months ago. At one point I was hypomanic for a month, and then severely depressed for another. And now? I am just existing. Not exactly happy, but not exactly miserable either. I’m better than I was, but I’m pulled down by the illness in my bones and I’m no more than a shadow of the person that I once was. Not because of Bipolar. For once, the illness that has followed me around for a long time seems more like a friend than my enemy. I crave its brilliance and its horror. It was easier. It was familiar. It had rules and ways in and out of it. I knew my way around it, and I knew how to handle it. It was easy. Or at least, easier.

But now I find myself floating in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere I turn I see a horizon, and nothing more. No land, no hope, no nothing. Treading water, that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m trying to swim forward now, despite the fact it hurts like hell. I’m swimming in some direction, but I don’t know what it is. I know where I’m going: normality, and some form of health. I know what I want: to finish my studies, to be a clinical psychologist, to have my masters. I don’t know if I’ll get there, but I keep on going anyway. One arm in front of the other, one leg kicks and then another. Moving onward and forward. So slowly, so painfully, but it’s the attempt that counts, not the result.

I guess what I mean to say, is that I’ve found myself somewhere that I never wanted to be…a place that I never imagined I would be. I don’t like it. It feels hopeless. It’s confusing and it’s frightening. To be perfectly honest, it scares the crap out of me. One more obstacle blocking me from where I want to be.

Someone once told me that God only gives you as much as you can handle. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I like the sentiment. The idea that I will only ever get as much as I can take. It makes me think that I can deal with this, at least for a moment. And moments of hope are better than none at all.

Now you know how I am, please fill me in. How are you?

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7 thoughts on “Breaking the Silence

  1. Dear Sara. It is really great to see you are writing again. I have missed your posts; your honesty and the poetry that so easily flows from you. You are amazing.

    I am starting to toy with the idea that “being” (right now it’s amidst chronic pain from tissue inflammation which impacts a lot of my other symptoms) is enough. To do this, I am learning to trust that I don’t have to (attempt to) control the situation to try and heal my pain. That it does not mean more than what it seems (i.e. relapse, some unidentifiable illness, I’m dying–these are always in the forefront of my mind whenever something changes in my physical health).

    That focusing on who I truly am (without the pain, the illness, etc.) and expressing that is all I need to do to move forward. Somehow, regardless of what my limits are, I always seem to find a way to do that.

    I believe in you Sara. Truly.

    Much love to you. Always thinking of you and tonight during my meditation, I will send you more healing and loving.

    Trish, xo

  2. You know, for me personally, I hate the in between. I’d rather teeter one way or the other just so I know what’s happening moment to moment. The in between has too many mind games. I’m in the middle right now so yeah, which way?

  3. WOW. I just discovered this blog and am soo amazed because I can totally relate. I have bipolar disorder too but am on medication that has kept me somewhat normal. Thank you for updating and hopefully you’ll feel better. Do you see a therapist? Mine was super helpful in getting me out of my depression.
    My favorite quote from her was “you create your own happiness” meaning life is always gonna suck there are good days and bad. But happiness is an attitude and you should strive to do the things that you enjoy. Take some time and have that cake you’ve been avoiding, watch your favorite tv show, listen to your favorite songs. Its amazing but those little things make you grateful for life. It seems so silly but it works.
    I look forward to more of your blogs. 🙂

    • Hi Michelle,

      Thank you for reading and for your comments. I have had therapy in the past and I am currently having therapy at this time to try and learn to deal with this “new” illness I have. I definitely agree that we create our own happiness. Happiness is a choice that we make everyday. To be honest, happiness is not something that I actively strive for. Instead, I choose to do the things that mare important to me and bring meaning and purpose to my life, and ultimately, the more I do these things, the more periods of happiness I experience. Some days are harder than others. But the sentiment is important – we control what we do and how we respond to situations.

      I hope you will come back and read again soon 🙂

  4. Hello. I know how it feels to exist in a plateau. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does I’ll always crave for my mania to return. I thought that only when I’m manic I’d be able to live a “normal” life. A life where I can be productive at work and be entertaining to my friends.

    I only felt better 3 months ago. I’m not manic and neither am I depressed. For the first time I actually feel quite happy at where I am cause I’ve accepted the fact that bipolar disorder is not an illness that I can beat. I can only learn how to deal with it and I’ve written about my personal methods in my blog (which you’ve visited – thank you)

    There are 2 things that I’m doing to make myself feel better. Firstly I’m running every single morning. Secondly I enjoy the support that I have on Twitter. Meeting people like you make me feel better cause I can relate and we can share our experiences.

    I wish that you can find a sense of comfort whenever possible. I’ll see you in Twitter.

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