If you are thinking about harming yourself, there are 6 things you need to know before you do
“I need you to help me kill myself”.
The room is silent as my parents stare across the room at me. They’re on one couch, I’m on the other. If they’re scared, they don’t show it.
“I can’t do it myself. It won’t work”.
I wait as they mull this over. I’m not aware of it at the time, but it’s hard to think of the right thing to say when your daughter wants you to euthanize her.
Dad looks at me, “No”.
“You’re selfish!” I snarl. “I have to live this life, not you. Why should I suffer? Why should you be allowed to keep me alive simply because you want me to be? Just because you’ll be a bit sad for a while?”
“You’ll be upset at first, but as time goes on, you’ll come to realise this was the best decision for everyone”. At the time, I truly believe this.
“We will never get over it”. Someone says. Mum or Dad. I don’t know. My ability to concentrate is hazy.
This is rock bottom; asking the people who created me to help me die because I am too incompetent to do it myself.
To me, the best possible solution for everybody was that I was dead. Plain and simple. Black and white. I did not see the inbetween, the possibilities of getting better, of being better, I forgot what it felt like to feel good, to be alive. I could not do anything to lift myself out of it.
The only thing I thought would work was death because then I would not be in it anymore and it was unbearable.
(Thanks if you already have. I would love it if you could leave me a comment and let me know what you think.)