275mg (still waiting!!!)
I’m shutting myself down, locking myself away. I feel the need to get away from people, from stimulation, from hustle and bustle, noise and activities. I want to be quiet and alone and rested.
The problem, I think, is that I have been so unrested. It’s not that I am not resting, I am. I’m resting more than I think I should. I just feel so tired, all the time. I don’t think this is depression. It’s just being overwhelmed. Over-exhausted.
I also think my back injury has something to do with it. I twisted a vertebrae in a riding accident last May. Nine months ago. For months I had no idea I’d done it. I mean, I remembered the incident very clearly. I just didn’t connect the pain I was having with it. I didn’t even fall off.
But slowly, I have become more debilitated, in more pain, suffering more fatigue, having more headaches. I was so tired from Wednesday to Saturday last week that I just gave up on Sunday. I lay in bed and let myself feel miserable, drifting in and out of sleep, doing nothing, going nowhere.
I’d just had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the constant battling to do things that I should be able to do. I couldn’t take anymore of the desire to do, and the inability to do it. I was surprised I felt quite good on Monday. I thought I’d feel grief-stricken forever.
So I’ve rewound. I’m doing as little as possible that is too exhausting. I find going out and about with people exhausting. So I’m trimming that back. I’ve trimmed it back to zero at this point. I know it’s probably not the best to socially isolate myself, but I find it easier this way. Especially now; I was starting to feel like there are so many demands on me and so I just need to relax. It’s not like people are actively demanding. They just want to see me, spend time with me, and I think it’s hard for people to understand that I need space and time and quiet.
I’ve completely trimmed back exercise. It’s not so much of a priority at the moment. At least, improving fitness isn’t. It’s more about mediating fatigue levels, and getting some exercise in. I haven’t done any all week, except a brief walk yesterday and an hour walk today. My lower back was sore again after today, and my leg has started to hurt too. I don’t know why.
I must admit I feel a lot better now that I’ve removed the ideals, and shoulds and expectations I had for myself. Now I’m just doing what I can and trying to be happy with it. At least that way I might keep my stable mood.
That’s it from me; what I consider to be a fairly boring, and fairly depressing update. My apologies for that.