It’s my first day studying again, and I am finding it hard to concentrate. My mind is slow, and foggy. When I’m reading, I’m not processing and I can almost hear a low-level buzz coming from inside my head. Like an electrical device that has some sort of fault with it, and is on the verge of melting down unexpectedly.
I have an eye twitch. It’s affecting both eyelids, but primarily the left one. It’s annoying. And I don’t know why I have it all of a sudden. I’m not particularly tired (although I do still feel drained). I don’t feel particularly stressed, or at least, I don’t think I do.
University has a certain way of making it seems like there is too much work to do, and not enough time. I set out with the best intentions: get up early, go to the gym, have breakfast and start studying by 8:30am. But today I didn’t go to the gym in the morning, like I am supposed to. I didn’t even get up with the alarm, because I was tired – like every other day for several months now – and once I got down to sorting everything out, it was already 11am. And then I couldn’t focus.
I felt particularly frustrated with how slow-going it was; how slow my mind felt, and the constant twitching of my eyelids.
I didn’t follow the plan this morning. I haven’t for ages. I was still in my pajamas at 2pm. A bad habit I picked up last semester. Somewhere along the line, I just got out of my routine and I couldn’t get back into it. And I’m still not back into it.
I feel like I was feeling at the end of last semester. Fried. Fuzzy. Foggy. Braindead. Drained. Irritable.
What’s causing this?
Am I just lazy? Am I sick? Do I need to harden up and just get with the program! I don’t know.
I’m supposed to do a blood test, to check for iron and white blood cells (both have been low over the last year or so). And I’m supposed to do a poo test as well. I know I should but I keep putting it off. Mainly because I can’t be bothered. I’m lacking in the drive to get anything done. But also because I have to crap in a cup and fiddle around with it. Taking a crap is bad enough without having to take a sample of it, put it in a plastic bag and carry it down to the local blood shop.
It’s not like I’m depressed. It’s nothing like that. It’s just like I’m running on empty. I feel slow and weak and I don’t seem to be bouncing back. It seems to just keep dragging on.
I wake up in the morning, I turn my alarm off, and I go back to sleep. And that is where the problem is. Mum says, “why don’t you just get up?” And I don’t because I don’t think at the time. I just do. And I’m in the habit now, so sleep comes rapidly and all of a sudden I’m totally off-track and out of bed too late, so I skip the gym and decide to just go in the afternoon, and I sit in my pajamas until then (albeit usually relatively productive and focused on my work). And nothing changes.