“I need you to help me kill myself”

If you are thinking about harming yourself, there are 6 things you need to know before you do 

“I need you to help me kill myself”.

The room is silent as my parents stare across the room at me. They’re on one couch, I’m on the other. If they’re scared, they don’t show it.

“I can’t do it myself. It won’t work”.

I wait as they mull this over. I’m not aware of it at the time, but it’s hard to think of the right thing to say when your daughter wants you to euthanize her.

Dad looks at me, “No”.

“You’re selfish!” I snarl. “I have to live this life, not you. Why should I suffer? Why should you be allowed to keep me alive simply because you want me to be? Just because you’ll be a bit sad for a while?”

Silence.

“You’ll be upset at first, but as time goes on, you’ll come to realise this was the best decision for everyone”. At the time, I truly believe this.

“We will never get over it”. Someone says. Mum or Dad. I don’t know. My ability to concentrate is hazy.

This is rock bottom; asking the people who created me to help me die because I am too incompetent to do it myself.

To me, the best possible solution for everybody was that I was dead. Plain and simple. Black and white. I did not see the inbetween, the possibilities of getting better, of being better, I forgot what it felt like to feel good, to be alive. I could not do anything to lift myself out of it.

The only thing I thought would work was death because then I would not be in it anymore and it was unbearable.

Read the rest of this post

(Thanks if you already have. I would love it if you could leave me a comment and let me know what you think.)


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27 thoughts on ““I need you to help me kill myself”

  1. I thought this was an amazing post the first time I read it, still do! The nerve to ask someone to help you kill yourself – I was always too afraid to even admit that I wanted to. I can’t imagine actually asking my parents. It would have been a comedy worth presenting on prime time TV!

    • Thank you :) I posted again as I noticed that not many click-overs occurred and I really do want people to visit Trish’s site as I think it is a very important site that holds a lot of value. And yes, the nerve! I can’t believe I even asked!

  2. This was absolutely incredible. I actually thought about the line “I need you to help me kill myself.” It speaks volumes to the relationship you had with your family. It was never a thing I could ever communicate to my parents. And to continue reading, finding that they were instrumental in your recovery was incredible. I am so happy you have a supportive family.

  3. i have been very touched bye wat the girls rote at the top of this page, i am going threw a very rough tym, i was raped at the age of 4 till the age of 12 then 13 raped bye some otha fucker, beat up by the ones i loved and who i thought loved me launchd off to care and used an abused by men,, i am one of the most nices people goin and will do anything f anybody, i am 22 and just had a beautiful little indian baby shes 6 month and i havnt even been given a chance to mouther her, they took her 2days after birth, (social survise,) they have tacken her away because of the way my mum and staep dad brought me up and because my broughther was sexually abusing me for 7yrs, a have had a bit of mesed up life like drank and smoked weed and abused my self and body, and was a prostertute at the age of 15 till 20 i never put my self on the streets tho, and have selfd harmed but stoped wen i was 16, i actually not forgot about all this but delt with it and started to get on with my life and leave the past as the past. but social servises have made me speek about it all agen because av just had a little girl. they think that i have been deeply affected bye all my past, and by u gys reading this u proble will think so to. but i have a finally got over my past and started to look towards the new futer for my self and wen a fell pregnant for my daughter to, then a got toled that she wuddnt be comming bk home with me wen i had gave birth, they made me singh her into care and sed that if i didnt then the police will come and get her, so i had to do it because i dint want to put her and my self threw the agorney even tho it was seeing anuver person take my 3day old little angel away from me it torn me apart. av had to have peranting assesment wich came out brilliant but i had a sicologicall assesment and it came out bad, she went all on my past and not the life i had made for my self in the last 3 yrs, she sed that i am showing trates of personality dissorder and have got an ager problem, a never shown no anger to any of them and the women only met me 2tyms.. i completly dissagree with her apinion. and have asked for a second appinion but thev refused me and have sed i wud have to pay 4000 my self to get anuver assesment don,, i have not got a chance on getting her back, am in soooo much pain why am i getting punished? they say i need 12month therophy and they saying because of her age and because shes soo young its in her best interest to be addopted cuz 12 month too long.. i really really dont no wat to do, ano i shud stay strong for my littlr girl. but am fineding it soo hard, i have tryd to take my life 3 tyms befor and nerly died 2tyms but god just wont let me go, dont get me roung i love god and even tho av been threw wat av been threw am still a strong beliver, i dont want to let him down aswell as my beautifull daughter./. but im strongly thinking of taking my life, i read on the inter net take aloud of rat poison, am thinking stongly of doing it, am just so scerd of leaving my daughter even tho a may never see her agen a just dont want to leave her, wat do i do? because i am 85% that al do it but just want to no that shes not going to be affected wen shes 18 or somthing.. the people reading this plz dont think bad of me cuz am not a bad person av just had one of the most shittest lifes and just cant take it no more

  4. I went to the internet looking for some help in killing myself and somehow I got to this page. Nice story there hon, but useless to me….different circumstances and all. I am very glad that you got the help you needed and it worked. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for everyone….not everyone has family, friends, a job, a house, their health, security and the nice things in life to get you through. I’m 33 and have no family left alive, no friends, no job, no house, no car, failing health and no money…..so instead of having a living death, why not just see what else is out there by checking out early. I remember a great quote about life is like a movie, and if it’s pretty shitty half way through then it probably isn’t going to get much better so no one would blame you for leaving early. Amen to that. Anyway, glad for you that you made it……..just give a thought for those of us that did not.

    • Hi m.s. it’s a shame you didn’t leave your contact details, and I don’t know if you are subscribed to read my response to your comment. I hope you are still alive to read it.

      From what I’ve read it seems as though you’re having an incredibly rough time, and that this has been going on for some time. Another thing that I can see from your comment is that you are buying in to the bullshit your mind is feeding to you and as a result, your thinking is illogical and unbalanced. You are totally convinced that your life is going to be worthless and horrible forever, your mind is telling you that, and for whatever reason, you are choosing to believe it. I’m here to tell you that you have a choice in whether you believe what it says or not. You are no special than anybody else. You are exactly the same as all of us. You cannot nor will you ever be able to predict the future. Your situation is not any more hopeless than the next persons. Do you really want to take your life on the basis of a flawed argument?

      You say you have no family, friends, job, house, car, health or money. You imply that I have all of these wonderful things, and therefore the only reason I succeed is because I have them. I am also here to tell you that you know nothing about my situation aside from what you read in that post. Yes I have supportive family, yes that is an incredible help. It doesn’t mean you are doomed because you don’t. Aside from that, you do not know what I have, but you are believing your mind when it tells you that you can’t possibly make it because you don’t have what you think you should. There is no reason why you can’t get these things, despite failing health or whatever else it is that is holding you back, it is in your hands to work towards having what you desire.

      You say that “life is like a movie, and if it’s pretty shitty half way through then it probably isn’t going to get much better so no one would blame you for leaving early”. The key word there is probably. You don’t know for sure what will happen in that movie, but because it’s a movie you can make a fairly good prediction. I’m here to tell you that life is nothing like a movie. They are not even comparable. Life is not predictable like a movie. Even though your mind wants you to believe that it is, it isn’t.

      You say you’re glad that I made it, and that I should give a thought for those who did not. I’m here to tell you that the key phrase here is, you haven’t made it yet. You are 33, and you have time to make it if you would only give yourself the chance to. People are always up and arms when it comes to mental illness about saying “take some responsibility”. But I’m going to say it to you. Your mind is feeding you a pack of lies, making the world seem hopeless and helpless and your future dismal. I’ve been there. I’ve believed it. It was never true, it never has been true and it never will be true. Not matter how hopeless it seems, there is always hope. Even if your mind is telling you there isn’t. What the hell does it know? It’s not allowing you the chance to find out. It wants to take your life away from you. Take some responsibility for your life and say “fuck off thoughts, I’m going to prove you wrong”. Because proving it wrong is in your hands. Not in anyone else’s.

      It is obvious to me that you are in a dismal place, and ultimately, there is nothing I can change that will change your mind because the power your distorted thoughts have over you is more than I can combat with. No matter what I would say, a distorted mind does not want to believe it, and will come up with ridiculous and far-fetched arguments to say that death is the only way. But you are not your mind. You are more than that, and you have the power to shake off it’s hold on you and choose a life worth living.

      So, die at the hands of an unbalanced and illogical mind, or make the choice to live anyway, and to find a way to live with some meaning and purpose.

      And yes it is a choice, and that choice is yours.

      • I’ve asked friends to help me die, knowing its wrong. I’m paralyzed and feel like I have no future.even at my best, I’m ready to go.

    • And I am sorry-did not realize I was on a Bi-Polar site. Was just feeling such despair and wound up here. Im not bi-polar (at least not been diagnosed as such) so I dont want to be un-wanted here but I need help and cannot get it elsewhere.

  5. I too have felt that life is not wirth living as on the dole on the sick cant afford to feed myself most days and have lost all my family and friends. No one cares for people like me that has no future and well cant blame them. We all are in a living hell and to be honest better off dead, at least you are free.

  6. ” I did not see the inbetween, the possibilities of getting better, of being better, I forgot what it felt like to feel good, to be alive. I could not do anything to lift myself out of it.”

    I feel this exact thing everyday

    • I’m sorry about that. The only thing certain in this life is that things will change. It won’t last forever. Hang in there, get some help, spend a little time doing something you used to enjoy, even if your not that into it. The inbetween is there, it just takes time to see it again.

  7. What good is this to me? I stii want to die. 51 years old. Lost everything. Thought it was ok because I was sober. Meds not right now. Gave up on sober today. At least if I drink, I can cope. 2 years sober — bu-by. System can’t supply the meds. I’m a loser. Can’t keep a job with insuranc. So shot out of luck. Might as well diem no hope for a decent future.bibl benefit noone

  8. To Bernadette, natss, Kevin, cal, and everyone else I just don’t have the strength to go back to research and mention, though I have read all the feelings contributed above……I am 59 and was diagnosed with Bi-polar at the age of 35….at the peak of my business career and 15 yrs. into my marriage, which was lost 14 yrs. ago. I have worked all these years to try and relocate and establish a business I wanted in my early 30′s……I have moved 7 times, now I am with a very loving and compassionate man in my own home, 3 kitties, but here I am again, wanting to end it all because life has no joy in it for me anymore. I just keep pushing forward, and that grit we all depend upon is almost out of supply. I’ve been on innumerable meds, beginning with prozac back in Dec. 1989, then lithium, neurontin, depakote, parnate (mao inhibiitor), lexapro, wellbutrin XL, Abilify……and I’m sure I’ve missed about 6 or so. Klonopin has been great in-between for the anxiety, but you can’t be on this forever, only when absolutely necessary so you can reduce the anxiety enough to begin to push forward once again. I have been under psychiatrist/and-or psychopharmacologist care since 1989.
    I know despair, or maybe it knows me better, but we sure know each other. My heart goes out to everyone who has and is going through such mental anguish. What is the answer?

  9. I don’t think science knows what to do for us…..we are a constant individual experiment…..I feel today like I cannot take too much more of this brain-grinding anguish…..I have thought many times, through many years, about suicide, but most people who attempt it wake up with even worse medical problems. No matter how savvy you are in science, figuring out your weight and height, etc., the body and brain fight to stay alive. So we have to figure something else out…..waiting for my brain to give me that breath of fresh air I once enjoyed is getting harder and harder to wait for.

    • Hi Lyn,

      Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable. I know what it’s like when there’s no joy in life anymore and to lose the things that bring you meaning and purpose. I don’t know what the answer is to all the suffering that people are experiencing. I don’t think that answer is drugs. Too many times I read stories like yours, multiple drugs and yet little relief and it does take a lot more than medication to help us live a meaningful life. What is something you love to do? Something that is meaningful and something that you can do today? I would recommend you start by doing that, for however long, even if you don’t find it enjoyable. And keep doing it, day after day. Eventually I hope you will feel joy in that activity at least. I’ve tried this, and it does help. It just takes time to enjoy things we love again.

      I really wish there was more I could do to help you. I’ve got some posts in the works that may be helpful for you, so please check back soon.

      Take care,
      Sara

  10. Dear Sara, Thank you very much for your empathy…….I want to go on because it is in our DNA, but the depressions are getting longer, sucking any hope out of my brain and body, and as one who used to get immense pride through usefullness, as I accomplished alot in my career and at home, I don’t see a future for myself anymore. How long can anyone endure mental torture which translates into an equally dead body. The one thing that used to keep me going was that I didn’t want to be so cruel as to leave my loved ones behind with such an awful memory to live with. That is fading more and more with time and torture. When I feel this way, I miss my former way of life as a married woman with a career and beautiful home my husband and I were proud of….we had so much in common. Then this disease erased it all. Mania took command. I for several years have a roof over my head and a man who loves me, but I suffer constantly from my losses…..I felt much more connected to myself then than now. But no one can go back. It is very tragic to me, and I know many reading this know exactly what I mean. I used to be a gourment cook and loved to entertain our business friends along with their children, but divorce has wiped those people out of my life, and because of all my relocating and ups and downs and medications. I’ve tried to re-invent myself an incredible amount of times, joining local groups for charity, hobbies, etc. To no avail. I just don’t feel connected anywhere anymore, nor do I have the desire. 24 Years of medications…..I would have been better to first have had my thyroid checked when all this began happening well before 35……I was borderline hypo-glycemic then……I wanted to walk in front of a truck then but didn’t want to traumatize the driver, so I was rushed to a psychopharmacologist…..and the nightmare has just gone on from there. I see 35 years plus of a sadly wasted life due to this Bi-polar that I strongly feel the medical community has no clue about……they just have sedating pills which work sporadically. I’m living proof.

  11. I actually feel this same way right now. I graduated from college last year and have been having an astronomically hard time finding a job in my field. With tons of student debt and next to no possible employment opportunities, I am so overwhelmed by financial instability that I just feel so scared and hopeless. I was reading blogs on the success rates of suicidal attempts and I felt that if I were to try to kill myself one way or another I would need help to ensure it is done right. Needless to say, I asked a friend who was completely unwilling. They kept saying cliche things like “It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and that it would be “murder”. It isn’t though, cause I am asking for the help to ensure that unlike everything else….I DO NOT MESS THIS UP. I just can’t believe other people feel this way. I really feel so lost right now and I think people do not know how serious I am about harming myself so they just brush it off. I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t see myself getting out of this mess ever. I don’t see myself ever being happy again and if this is my life, I don’t care to be alive anymore. Nothing has been working out for months, it has only been getting worse. To me this problem doesn’t feel temporary. I just can’t anymore…I can’t.

    • I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time. It sounds like your friend is not giving you the kind of support you need. I don’t mean that they should help you, because whether they choose to or not is up to them. What I mean is that something more helpful may have been to help you try and find an alternative way to make your life worth living. I know you can’t see a way out now, I understand, I’ve been there. What I can tell you is that things to do change. Uncertainty is the only certainty in our lives. And life is not easy. It is filled with fear of the future, and sadness about the past. We have personal struggles with money or relationships or our health. It’s not meant to be happy all the time and sunshine and rainbows like we are led to believe. The very fact that people we think things should be easy and that we should be happy is often the very reason why we are not. Things always change, that’s the nature of life. It might help for you to note down on a piece of paper or in your diary whenever you feel any doubt about suicide and when you feel any of your pain abating – even if it’s just a little bit. Over time the moments that are filled with pain become less and less until you might feel not much at all and then eventually good feelings start to come again. In small bursts at first and then they take over.

      You can do this, you really can. I know you don’t think you can but humans have this amazing capacity to just cope with horrible situations and you’re human too. Most people will think about killing themselves at some point in their lives, it’s a normal reaction to extreme stress. What’s happening is that your brain is trying to solve the problem – “I can’t cope, so how can I fix this?” That’s what the human brain does. It wants solutions. It just so happens that suicide seems like the only solution to you at the moment. I think it’s important to see the process for what it is, just your thoughts (which are not orders, not necessarily factual or accurate) and just your brain trying to figure out a way to stop you feeling in pain. It’s perfectly natural. Once you can recognise that this is what is happening, you can try to see if there are other solutions. A friend is the best person to help you with this. Please, ask a friend if they can come up with any small things you can do to work towards a solution that does not involve suicide. Making important decisions when you’re under extreme stress is never a good idea because we don’t think clearly or rationally about the situation. We can’t see all angles and all options when we are stressed, panicked and in pain. Whether to end your life or not is a pretty big decision and not one to be taken lightly.

      You might like to read this post I wrote about suicide: http://thebipolarproject.wordpress.com/2013/07/28/6-things-you-need-to-know-if-you-want-to-die/

      You have two options: you can put your time and energy into fuelling your misery and searching for a way to end your life. Or, you can put your time and energy into doing things that might help save your life.

      Your life is not worth living right now but that doesn’t mean it will never be worth living. There are always things we can do to make changes, even if they are the smallest of things. When I was really ill and bedridden most of the time, struggling to walk around my house, I felt like I didn’t have any choices to make things better. I felt like my life was worthless and I didn’t want to live like that. So I chose to start walking. At first I just walked around my house for a few minutes, and then outside for 5 minutes and it took me almost a year but now I can walk 20 minutes 4 days per week. I still don’t want my life to be confined within the limits that it is, but it’s better. It’s more bearable. I even feel happy again. With that one small choice, all sorts of other things happened that led me to feel like my life is worth living. I think the same thing can help you – just consistently take small actions towards improving your life and things WILL change.. Find a friend who can help you figure out what to do to help in your situation. There is always something.

      Your name is important. It truly is.

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